krm: (Sher-locked)
 On June the 12, at approximately 10:30 PM (after an evening of partaking of German cuisine and imbibing dark beer), the author took a stroll upon the beach at the behest of her significant other where he summarily descended upon the renowned knee and proposed an offer of marriage. The author accepted. And so now she is engaged.

You may be thinking (along with others I'm sure) how quickly the relationship progressed to an engagement. All I can offer (without getting to personal) is that it felt right. It still feels right. Jamie is like a balm to my soul, a relief in the erratic storm of life. Before I become too poetic on you, I should admit a few things.

My depression has been kept at bay. I credit this to Jamie of course and the effect he has upon my day. But I've also kept myself busy with things that need to get done. (Household chores and the like). It helps that we have the same interests and the same energy levels. However, I must admit of few shortcomings.  Sometimes the day slips from me, especially with it being summer vacation. Now as I am in the midst of professional development and setting up my classroom the weekend before school starts, I feel rushed, more so than ever to get the menial things done, and in the spare minutes that I've had have been, admittedly, spent in idleness. It's not as bad as it's been seven months to a year ago, but I've been pretty good at managing it.

The flip side of that coin seems to be a bout of anxiety. I'm engaged now! I get to plan a wedding! And I'm excited and so cliche that I get to make all these decisions for basically a huge party with our loved ones! But I'm indulging. But perhaps, I'm indulging a bit too much. I can't tell you many hours I've spent on Wedding Wire or The Knot looking up every possible venue and vendor. Colors, flowers, and theme. By now of course I have decided on some things, but I cannot deny how much I've been unable to find sleep as my mind's eye plots out every minute detail. It's exhausting.  I've also been hyper-focused on finding a dress. I wanted to find one online (because yay! Online shopping!) But have agonized over not seeing how different styles fit my body. Plus my measurements! 

So I caved. Tomorrow I'm going to a bridal fitting with my grandmother and one of my bridesmaids. And then Sunday I'm attending a bridal show (where vendors come to bid for your money) with the fiance's mom and sisters. I have already booked most majors things--the venue (ceremony and reception), DJ, flowers (from Bloominous.com!), photographer, and a possible officiant (who will do a strictly non-religious ceremony!). I'm still looking into catering options, maybe dress options. I've thought about having a wedding planner, but since I've already decided on most of my vendors, I'm not sure how much useful they will be other than day-of coordination and decorating. Still, it wouldn't hurt to look. I'm undecided on having a videographer. (So expensive!)

My date is October 6, 2018 (which was also my grandparents' anniversary!). My "theme" will be fall/autumn related. Colors--orange flowers (mums, carnations for my dearest mother) with purple and dark red accents, and then blue/green/teal as a secondary color. I've got about 100 planned for my guest count.

I don't know why I'm sharing all of these details on dreamwidth. Well, I do. I need to document my thoughts, share this increasing amount of worry that's taking up so much headspace and energy, relieve the pressure. School is starting back, and while I'm pumped up for it, I need to stay focused too.

krm: (Damn Them)
I got a new laptop. It's bigger, nicer. Probably. Syncing everything with my Google account was easy peasy. Downloading+installing Microsoft Office is friggen headache inducing. C'mon Cortana. Windows 10 and shit.

I'm doing a lot of working, but it doesn't seem to actually accomplish anything. It's hot, and I hate the heat.  And I just want to complain about every minute problem I'm experiencing. But this isn't a narcissistic cry for help. I need to do something, push myself outta this depression. Positive, proactive. Writing, blogging. That's doing something. I did le 'official' blog on the le official website, and so I decided I needed the informal supplement. The Dreamwidth, the personal-ish blog.

On a more personal note of mai personal feelings. I'm feeling a lot of turmoil inside. And I don't know why. Well, I know why. But it's largely all secretive. Personal. Nothing to establish me as severely unstable. I'm just feeling a crossroads before me, murky water one way and wild brush the other. Look, I'm being enigmatic and metaphorical.  I think that makes me hypocritical, because I can't stand people who do that.

So much anxiety. So much uncertainty. So much dread. I'm tired of twisting myself. I don't know who I am.

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krm

July 2017

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