krm's cataloging; uncatalogued

So here goes.  Another summer has reached us, another year has passed me by.  I am twenty-five years old.  I will be married in less than five months.  

I remember seeing a meme or reddit/tumblr post explicating how the rate our cells die off and regenerate slows down once we turn 25.  That 25 is the magic number in which we start dying.  I never thought myself invincible; when I was younger I clearly recall seeing my mother in chronic pain and being thankful that simple tasks such as walking didn't tire me out.  I think I perhaps took that for granted because I'm starting to feel the pain of adulthood now.  25 is the age when I developed SVT, and although I have had surgery to correct it, the heart issue is not the only one I'm facing.  Infections, poorly balanced hormones.  I get occasional lower back pain on a frequent basis.  Cramps in my leg and knee.  I feel as though my body has begun deteriorating.  And it scares the shit out of me, to be honest.  I know my weight is part of the problem; I've had several wake up calls concerning it.  I can't describe how difficult it is to maintain the motivation for a health lifestyle.  But summer is a new time.  More time to do things.  Hopefully I can accomplish such things.

In other news, my relationship with my alleged father has degenerated further into monosyllabic text messages.  It frustrates me to no end seeing how little I actually matter to a parent who meant the world to me as a child.  But I've slowly learned the difficult lesson to not place too much dependency on an absent family member's presence.  I mourn over the relationship, that bond once shared, but dwelling on it will change nothing, except perhaps trigger a depressive episode.  I've had to do the same thing to my twin sister, but I must soldier on.

Why. Is. ESO. Taking. So. Long. To. Update.  Granted, I have not played for several months but I wanted to stretch my MMORPG muscles again.  But last night, the download kept getting hung, despite attempting it 3 different times.

I'm rewatching Yugioh, the original series.  I'm going to try to use Twitter more.  I've considered linking my dreamwidth as my main blog since I'm more inclined to updating it.  Overwatch Anniversary Event!  Renaissance Faire tomorrow! Wedding planning this summer and watching my empty email hoping for responses.

Movies I've watched:
-A Quiet Place
-Avengers Infinity War (OMGGGGGG WHATTT FTW)
-Deadpool 2

Movies to watch:
-Han Solo -- I'm actually pretty ambivalent about this one.  Mostly because I apparently have the personality of an old person now and abhor change (Harrison Ford is Han Solo and NO ONE ELSE), and also because I wish they would focus on new Star War stories and character.  But I will still watch it!

I want to make a graphic novel.  I wish I could draw.

I'm putting this on my informal, personal blog because this includes details concerning my personal life.  No one has technically asked me this question, though I sense it lingers in the peripheral of some thoughts.  But here is my answer to:

It's been nearly two years since your last book.  What gives?  When will the next one be ready?

Aye, it has been nearly two nears since the release of Prince of the Vale (December 11, 2015).  To preface this rather complicated answer, let me update the status on the projects that are works in progress.  There's two of them:  The Midwinter Fairytale and Queen of the Pyre.  Midwinter is a standalone lyrical novel.  It's nearly completed, pending the remaining last chapters and my editor's progress.  Queen is perhaps the more anticipated of these works (both by my editor and several fans).  My editor has not seen the draft for Queen yet and will not for at least a while.  The draft is about 30% completed.  I have the outline hammered out, it just takes more focus to put it to paper/word document. I want to finish Midwinter first.

So now, for the why part.

Since the initial beginnings for both Midwinter and Queen, I have undergone SEVERAL changes in my personal life.  Namely, I have transitioned from a rather unhealthy romantic relationship to one that is perfectly wholesome and happy.  In light of the recent Hollywood sexual assault allegations coming to light (i.e. the #MeToo movement), one would think that it would be easy for me to freely talk about my experiences.  However, it is not, especially with the certain events still rather fresh on my memory and that unique fear of outing the abuser.  So many conversations, defenses, justifications I do not yet want to share. Simply put, a lot of bad stuff happened in that relationship.  I won't go into details today. 

As far as my writing goes, my current published works were completed and published during a time when I was in that relationship (even so much as when that relationship ended for a brief time and was once again reinstated).  As can be expected from any unhealthy relationship, there was a lot of bad stuff. A lot of negative emotions.  I was in a bad headspace for a long time (8.5 years! Nearly a decade! Particularly during my formative years!).  I was typically angry, sad, upset, and depressed.  When I wrote, I wrote as a form of escapism, although I was not necessarily aware of this method at the time.  It is clear me to now (hindsight is 20/20, eh?).  I wrote to relieve the intense pressure of my emotions, an outlet if you will.  For the most part, it worked.  It produced two novels.

Now, sans unhealthy relationship, I am in a completely different headspace.  I still have my depression, but it flares up much more infrequently now.  I do not feel all those negative emotions as I once did, at least not to the same degree (I'm still human, I still get sad and angry).  It's not a constant state of mind for me.  And, trust me, that is a much welcome change.   

I have still written this past year.  Not as frequently as I'd like, but enough to show me that I still can.  My talent is not exclusive to my pain, be it emotional, mental, psychological, or even, dare I say, physical pain.  But my situation forces me to approach writing from a different angle than I had previously.  Much different things occupy my thoughts now and my responsibilities and priorities have shifted significantly to accommodate the normal expectations of a well-functioning or adapting adult.  I no longer have massive amounts of pain I need to release or avoid.  So now, I need to engineer my methods from this new perspective.  I can do it; I've done it, bit by bit this year.  But, to say the least, it's certainly been an adjustment period.

Adjustment.  That's a nice word for this transition.

There are other things, of course, that require my focus and energy that hadn't previously.  My new job as a teacher.  Wedding preparations, and other adjustments to make with this new life I've established for myself.

Rest assured.  Things are much better now for the authoress.  And I'm working as diligently as I can.  Stay tuned.  <3

 I must get out of this habit of updating so sluggishly. 

When last I left this blog, I had an approaching interview. I was actually offered that specific job, but it was only part time, and it was a bit of a drive, and a pretty good pay cut from the then-current part time. There was a great opportunity for advancement and opportunity, but I had to decline, especially for other options that opened up for me. Shortly before Christmas, I discovered a neighboring county was in the market for hiring a ninth grade English teacher. I managed to secure a job interview for the day after I contacted the principal, and the VERY next day, I received a phone call offering me that job. Seeing that it was in the middle of the school year and being a VERY recent graduate (because of my student teaching days, my diploma + licensure was delayed) and that this was the job I'd been going to college for, of course I accepted the position.

I started in January, and I left the part-time early February, finally. I've had a lot of compliments from fellow teachers and administration about my performance, very complimentary for being a first year teacher. There are struggles of course, but I know that, for the moment, this is the path for me. I'm almost certain that I've got a place in this school system should I want to continue to work there.

A lot of other changes have been made too, on a more personal level. The turmoil I'd been expressing in previous entries had at last been confronted. The relationship that I had been in for a little over eight years ended by my choice. I'm not going to get into the messy details about it; there are of course somethings I would have changed about that break up. To put it simply, that relationship was unhealthy and toxic, for both parties I'm sure. The break up was overdue. I knew it, the people around us knew it, it just took a while for the Ex to realize and accept this Truth.

There's a lot I could say in regards to this event that stretched out longer than necessary. I could smear names, insist to my own innocence. But I'm not going to dwell on that negativity any more. That chapter of my life has ended. I know what happened; and that's enough for me.

And so begins the new chapter.

His name is Jamie. And he is the soul that puts mine, finally, at peace. He is a spirit recognized by my own, perhaps since we first encountered each other. My draw to him was undeniable, for my end to the very least, and for him as well, I would later discover. I wish I could describe the perfect happiness that is him, but I'm sure that would take a novel, and I should be completing another novel of a different sort.

Things are still in a transition period of sorts. There's so much I have left unsaid. But that's for another time. For now, Au Revoir.

 So I had an anxiety attack last night. I didn't tell anyone, even though the physical signs were obvious. (Someone remarked how my face looked like I had been in the sun. At 9:30 at night? No, that's just my ruddy face that betrays any upset emotion). People don't understand. And I hate to awkwardly burden them.

Today marks a week I've been student teaching. But today was my first day to stand in front of the class as a teacher to teach things. I'm just doing bellwork this week. But still, pretty nerve wracking.  I was all up in my feels last night, feeling all sorts of inadequacy and unpreparedness. And then, halfway into my long-ish commute (40 minutes, if traffic is in my favor), I realized I forgot my lunchbox. So then the remaining commute was spent in complete self-loathing, dread, misery, and prepping myself for the migraine that would come later today. (If I don't eat, I get migraines. I get migraines other ways too, but that's the sure-fire way to get one). Because, despite getting paid from the Part Time on Thursday, I was dead broke and couldn't even afford the $3+ school lunch.

The hunger pains started after lunch time. I managed to stave the majority of it off by lots of water and a pack of crackers that were so happenstance in mai backpack. The migraine was onset by the time I had gotten home.

Surprisingly, I believe I did better with my Public Speaking class than my English 10 Pre AP class. I felt shaky and stupid. I knew what I was doing but when kids started asking me questions, I choked up and did a terrible job of explaining basic fraggin grammar rules. But I followed my mentor teacher's routines and survived. I love my mentor teacher. She is so considerate and accomodating and gentle. I really needed someone gentle. I asked her how I did, and I'm sure it was pretty obvious in my voice and body language that I was damn nervous about it. She was gentle. She suggested for me to be louder and more assertive. She was so nice about it. I really appreciate it. When my nerves take over, that's really better for me. Taking something gentle rather than coarse.

What else? What else?

This day has not been great. Not because of bad things (other than the anxiety attack and lunchbox fiasco, one of my 10th grade vocabulary words). Just with how I am feeling. But now I feel a lot more... *pepped* up after discovering my first unsolicited review for Prince of the Vale. She gave it four out of five stars, and she's all the way from South Africa. Pretty durn cool. It helps me to rediscover my passion for writing. I hope to have my next book out soon, but it's hard to say with my internship.

I got a new laptop. It's bigger, nicer. Probably. Syncing everything with my Google account was easy peasy. Downloading+installing Microsoft Office is friggen headache inducing. C'mon Cortana. Windows 10 and shit.

I'm doing a lot of working, but it doesn't seem to actually accomplish anything. It's hot, and I hate the heat.  And I just want to complain about every minute problem I'm experiencing. But this isn't a narcissistic cry for help. I need to do something, push myself outta this depression. Positive, proactive. Writing, blogging. That's doing something. I did le 'official' blog on the le official website, and so I decided I needed the informal supplement. The Dreamwidth, the personal-ish blog.

On a more personal note of mai personal feelings. I'm feeling a lot of turmoil inside. And I don't know why. Well, I know why. But it's largely all secretive. Personal. Nothing to establish me as severely unstable. I'm just feeling a crossroads before me, murky water one way and wild brush the other. Look, I'm being enigmatic and metaphorical.  I think that makes me hypocritical, because I can't stand people who do that.

So much anxiety. So much uncertainty. So much dread. I'm tired of twisting myself. I don't know who I am.

(From a few days ago...) Excuse me while I step on my soap box here.

"Where suspicion fills the air and holds scholars in line for fear of their jobs, there can be no exercise of the free intellect. . . . A problem can no longer be pursued with impunity to its edges. Fear stalks the classroom. The teacher is no longer a stimulant to adventurous thinking; (s)he becomes instead a pipe line for safe and sound information. A deadening dogma takes the place of free inquiry. Instruction tends to become sterile; pursuit of knowledge is discouraged; discussion often leaves off where it should begin."
Justice William O. Douglas,
United States Supreme Court:
Adler v. Board of Education, 1951.

Censorship was a discussion in my Young Adult Literature class today, but I believe this line of thinking can be similarly applied to a lot of current issues swirling through *current*, current events and especially science.

( Read more... )

Hunger Games: Mocking Jay pt. 1
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies
Avengers Age of Ultron

Age of Adaline
Dracula Untold
Guardians of the Galaxy
Jurassic World

and others.  List to be continued. Updated 6/17/15

 I am weary.  And I have nothing better to say other than that.  

My mom placed an old box on my bed, filled with various possessions of mine that I had forgotten about.  She told me to go through it and whatever was left was to be thrown away.

To my surprise I found quite a collection of old journals I had kept through middle school up until the first two years of high school.  I read through them and have come to a general conclusion.

While my perception of the world and self-awareness has changed (grown, hopefully), at my core, I remain the same.  I am miserable, and often so, and I mostly seek a light to the darkness. Coping mechanisms, masking techniques have developed.  While my outlook on life does not remain as innocently optimistic and hopeful, I do maintain a resolute faith in myself and my abilities.  Where once I would dismiss my sharp intellect with a naivety in a struggle to be accepted, I now embrace it with fierceness.  My passions have not much changed.  They still bring me joy.  I take comfort to know I am not fickle in such areas.  But I still harbor a pit, a black hole inside of me.  And as I grow in life, it grows in me.   There is no sating it.  There is temporarily ignoring it.

But I'm steering my personal goals toward a path that emphasizes what makes me happy, as opposed what can I do in this world.  There is only so much to do this world.  Be kind.  Be happy.