krm: (Sher-locked)
 On June the 12, at approximately 10:30 PM (after an evening of partaking of German cuisine and imbibing dark beer), the author took a stroll upon the beach at the behest of her significant other where he summarily descended upon the renowned knee and proposed an offer of marriage. The author accepted. And so now she is engaged.

You may be thinking (along with others I'm sure) how quickly the relationship progressed to an engagement. All I can offer (without getting to personal) is that it felt right. It still feels right. Jamie is like a balm to my soul, a relief in the erratic storm of life. Before I become too poetic on you, I should admit a few things.

My depression has been kept at bay. I credit this to Jamie of course and the effect he has upon my day. But I've also kept myself busy with things that need to get done. (Household chores and the like). It helps that we have the same interests and the same energy levels. However, I must admit of few shortcomings.  Sometimes the day slips from me, especially with it being summer vacation. Now as I am in the midst of professional development and setting up my classroom the weekend before school starts, I feel rushed, more so than ever to get the menial things done, and in the spare minutes that I've had have been, admittedly, spent in idleness. It's not as bad as it's been seven months to a year ago, but I've been pretty good at managing it.

The flip side of that coin seems to be a bout of anxiety. I'm engaged now! I get to plan a wedding! And I'm excited and so cliche that I get to make all these decisions for basically a huge party with our loved ones! But I'm indulging. But perhaps, I'm indulging a bit too much. I can't tell you many hours I've spent on Wedding Wire or The Knot looking up every possible venue and vendor. Colors, flowers, and theme. By now of course I have decided on some things, but I cannot deny how much I've been unable to find sleep as my mind's eye plots out every minute detail. It's exhausting.  I've also been hyper-focused on finding a dress. I wanted to find one online (because yay! Online shopping!) But have agonized over not seeing how different styles fit my body. Plus my measurements! 

So I caved. Tomorrow I'm going to a bridal fitting with my grandmother and one of my bridesmaids. And then Sunday I'm attending a bridal show (where vendors come to bid for your money) with the fiance's mom and sisters. I have already booked most majors things--the venue (ceremony and reception), DJ, flowers (from!), photographer, and a possible officiant (who will do a strictly non-religious ceremony!). I'm still looking into catering options, maybe dress options. I've thought about having a wedding planner, but since I've already decided on most of my vendors, I'm not sure how much useful they will be other than day-of coordination and decorating. Still, it wouldn't hurt to look. I'm undecided on having a videographer. (So expensive!)

My date is October 6, 2018 (which was also my grandparents' anniversary!). My "theme" will be fall/autumn related. Colors--orange flowers (mums, carnations for my dearest mother) with purple and dark red accents, and then blue/green/teal as a secondary color. I've got about 100 planned for my guest count.

I don't know why I'm sharing all of these details on dreamwidth. Well, I do. I need to document my thoughts, share this increasing amount of worry that's taking up so much headspace and energy, relieve the pressure. School is starting back, and while I'm pumped up for it, I need to stay focused too.

krm: (Excited Elephant)
 I must get out of this habit of updating so sluggishly. 

When last I left this blog, I had an approaching interview. I was actually offered that specific job, but it was only part time, and it was a bit of a drive, and a pretty good pay cut from the then-current part time. There was a great opportunity for advancement and opportunity, but I had to decline, especially for other options that opened up for me. Shortly before Christmas, I discovered a neighboring county was in the market for hiring a ninth grade English teacher. I managed to secure a job interview for the day after I contacted the principal, and the VERY next day, I received a phone call offering me that job. Seeing that it was in the middle of the school year and being a VERY recent graduate (because of my student teaching days, my diploma + licensure was delayed) and that this was the job I'd been going to college for, of course I accepted the position.

I started in January, and I left the part-time early February, finally. I've had a lot of compliments from fellow teachers and administration about my performance, very complimentary for being a first year teacher. There are struggles of course, but I know that, for the moment, this is the path for me. I'm almost certain that I've got a place in this school system should I want to continue to work there.

A lot of other changes have been made too, on a more personal level. The turmoil I'd been expressing in previous entries had at last been confronted. The relationship that I had been in for a little over eight years ended by my choice. I'm not going to get into the messy details about it; there are of course somethings I would have changed about that break up. To put it simply, that relationship was unhealthy and toxic, for both parties I'm sure. The break up was overdue. I knew it, the people around us knew it, it just took a while for the Ex to realize and accept this Truth.

There's a lot I could say in regards to this event that stretched out longer than necessary. I could smear names, insist to my own innocence. But I'm not going to dwell on that negativity any more. That chapter of my life has ended. I know what happened; and that's enough for me.

And so begins the new chapter.

His name is Jamie. And he is the soul that puts mine, finally, at peace. He is a spirit recognized by my own, perhaps since we first encountered each other. My draw to him was undeniable, for my end to the very least, and for him as well, I would later discover. I wish I could describe the perfect happiness that is him, but I'm sure that would take a novel, and I should be completing another novel of a different sort.

Things are still in a transition period of sorts. There's so much I have left unsaid. But that's for another time. For now, Au Revoir.

krm: (Love Sucks)
Graduation is less than a month away. Today I completed my 55th day out of 70 (or 73, depending on your count) required days for student teaching. I clearly recall the times of my high school and associate graduation. Lots of nightmares, stress, and anxiety. Especially the nightmares, all surprisingly graduation related. 

Surprisingly, I've not felt the same for this graduation. Although, I HAVE actually lost the box containing my cap, gown, and tassel. Stupid Kelly, always losing things. Graduation doesn't bother me this time. It's the working through this internship which is so agonizing. Not that I don't love what I'm doing, because I do. I love my students, and I love my teacher and the work. It's just... it swallows all of your time and energy.

And I have a job interview tomorrow. I'm pretty worked up about that too. Namely, getting lost on the drive over.

But I guess what bothers me the most out of all of this culmination is the signal of change. I hate change; I resent it deeply to my core. Not because I can't adapt, but because it places me outside of my comfort zone, an environment I've already mastered. I don't like feeling I'm inexperienced or unprepared for something. I like knowing what to expect. I guess that makes me a creature of routine. Although I'm terrible at actually being punctual or organized.

And the expectation. So many people expect me to leave my part time job so quickly. Move on to bigger and better things. Which is fine. But, I actually like my job. Of course I'd like to utilize my college degree, but I am not so anxious to leave as everyone around me is. I like the people I work with, some of them at least. I am not so eager to leave them.

So much turmoil in my life. I know I've referenced that in other entries, and that I've been vague about it. It still lingers, in different facets in my life, and I've not yet confront it. Though, with each passing day, the picture is getting clearer and clearer. The right path. I think I know what to do, but I lack the courage, I suppose.

So there's my semi-monthly dose of anxiety and ambiguity.

krm: (Sher-locked)
 So I had an anxiety attack last night. I didn't tell anyone, even though the physical signs were obvious. (Someone remarked how my face looked like I had been in the sun. At 9:30 at night? No, that's just my ruddy face that betrays any upset emotion). People don't understand. And I hate to awkwardly burden them.

Today marks a week I've been student teaching. But today was my first day to stand in front of the class as a teacher to teach things. I'm just doing bellwork this week. But still, pretty nerve wracking.  I was all up in my feels last night, feeling all sorts of inadequacy and unpreparedness. And then, halfway into my long-ish commute (40 minutes, if traffic is in my favor), I realized I forgot my lunchbox. So then the remaining commute was spent in complete self-loathing, dread, misery, and prepping myself for the migraine that would come later today. (If I don't eat, I get migraines. I get migraines other ways too, but that's the sure-fire way to get one). Because, despite getting paid from the Part Time on Thursday, I was dead broke and couldn't even afford the $3+ school lunch.

The hunger pains started after lunch time. I managed to stave the majority of it off by lots of water and a pack of crackers that were so happenstance in mai backpack. The migraine was onset by the time I had gotten home.

Surprisingly, I believe I did better with my Public Speaking class than my English 10 Pre AP class. I felt shaky and stupid. I knew what I was doing but when kids started asking me questions, I choked up and did a terrible job of explaining basic fraggin grammar rules. But I followed my mentor teacher's routines and survived. I love my mentor teacher. She is so considerate and accomodating and gentle. I really needed someone gentle. I asked her how I did, and I'm sure it was pretty obvious in my voice and body language that I was damn nervous about it. She was gentle. She suggested for me to be louder and more assertive. She was so nice about it. I really appreciate it. When my nerves take over, that's really better for me. Taking something gentle rather than coarse.

What else? What else?

This day has not been great. Not because of bad things (other than the anxiety attack and lunchbox fiasco, one of my 10th grade vocabulary words). Just with how I am feeling. But now I feel a lot more... *pepped* up after discovering my first unsolicited review for Prince of the Vale. She gave it four out of five stars, and she's all the way from South Africa. Pretty durn cool. It helps me to rediscover my passion for writing. I hope to have my next book out soon, but it's hard to say with my internship.
krm: (Kitteh)
so, on a more cheerful note compared to the last time I updated.

I got a chromebook. I was hesitant. I've been wanting one for a while, but couldn't justify it. But I'm glad I got it. I love it. It's simple, and it makes writing easy for me.

As far as my education goes. Finals are this week. I've gotten a lot done recently and a lot of good test scores and grades back. But I've still got some ways to go. But, theoretically, after this week, all I've got left is my student teaching. Then, buh-bam. Done. Graduated December 2016.

The crossroads has been delayed, inevitably. I'm pining.

And also. In case you weren't aware. My 23 years of existence means nothing to my sperm-donor who would give it all up for another chance to bang his girlfriend fiance. [deleted rant] it's whatever. Maybe not just whatever, because I'm still pretty pissed off about the whole thing. But I can't say I'm surprised, considering all behavior as of late from him. Unsurprising.

I guess becoming an adult is learning who is there for you and who is not. Who matters versus who just uses you for their own benefit.

So there you have it. Kelly is becoming an adult. In other news, Ghostbusters. Fraggin awesome. Lurved it. Amazing. The critics are wrong, but they usually are.
krm: (Damn Them)
I got a new laptop. It's bigger, nicer. Probably. Syncing everything with my Google account was easy peasy. Downloading+installing Microsoft Office is friggen headache inducing. C'mon Cortana. Windows 10 and shit.

I'm doing a lot of working, but it doesn't seem to actually accomplish anything. It's hot, and I hate the heat.  And I just want to complain about every minute problem I'm experiencing. But this isn't a narcissistic cry for help. I need to do something, push myself outta this depression. Positive, proactive. Writing, blogging. That's doing something. I did le 'official' blog on the le official website, and so I decided I needed the informal supplement. The Dreamwidth, the personal-ish blog.

On a more personal note of mai personal feelings. I'm feeling a lot of turmoil inside. And I don't know why. Well, I know why. But it's largely all secretive. Personal. Nothing to establish me as severely unstable. I'm just feeling a crossroads before me, murky water one way and wild brush the other. Look, I'm being enigmatic and metaphorical.  I think that makes me hypocritical, because I can't stand people who do that.

So much anxiety. So much uncertainty. So much dread. I'm tired of twisting myself. I don't know who I am.
krm: (Birdbrain)
 This presidential election, man.

I am Bernie Sanders girl. I have 'Felt the Bern' tenfold and shared political posts a-plenty on my Facebook, all the while carrying on about the evils of Donald J. Drumpf.  I've also taken this season to be more bold in my liberal opinions in my rather conservative environment.  Even though my friend list includes a number of my like-minded peers, it's not difficult to imagine the various repercussions of such boldness, the sensitive toes I've stepped on.

Not that I haven't been sensitive either.  A friend of mine notes that I've been rather politically rampant, quick to lose my temper as of late.  She inquired if anything was wrong.  I had answered that nothing outside the usual.  The Constant Misery; Depression.

I find myself with a decreased number of Facebook friends, not that social media "friends" is actually a true indicator of self-worth and value.  Some of these friends were eliminated by my hand, and some as well by their own.

I'm not troubled.  Well, perhaps a little.  Each incident I've deleted someone from my Facebook was because I did not personally know the individuals and had no interest in ensuing arguments with these people.  One person was deleted who I did know personally--and have for several years--because they had no interest in maintaining a friendship or even a civil acquaintanceship, but rather an interest in instigating problems.

This is not the first time I've cut people out of my life as of late.  And though its first experience may be regretful, it gets easier to cut away the negativity. But the question is, the source of this negativity.

Just as the upcoming election has encouraged me to be more vocal about my political ideologies, it has caused others to do the same.  Maybe its for the best that I have ceased contact with these people, and vice versa.  But I also find it a small degree disappointing that I, and others, decided that our own pride is worth more than getting familiar with another human being.

But perhaps getting familiar with another human, in some instances, is not worth the cost of such negativity and cruelty. Don't let this divide you.
krm: (Pip Development)

 So.  As with the last few weeks of any college semester, I have several projects, term papers, and finals I must prepare for and finish.  But then, what happens?  Unsurprisingly I usually find someway to squander my time, completing all assignments in a deadline-induced frenzy.

And in the year 2077--I mean, 2015.  Fallout 4 happened.  Oh, Bethesda, you.

I've logged about 4 - 5 hours into the game. (Would be more, except the boyfriend is a video game hog, and I've not gotten to that point where I can completely shirk all my responsibilities, sleep is important, yo).  I'm about a Level 6.

And oh my god.

I think it would be unnecessary to detail the fangasms that occurred while playing.  The customization, the modding, combat, interface.  Everything is GLORIOUS! (Except, someone please tell me how to heal crippled limbs?

A classical radio station feature various works by Tchaikovsky, such as March Slav and Swan Lake.  There's also a very Dishonored (and Bioshock Infinite) feel to it, as far as stylization, combat, and DEAD BODIES.  There's so much I can say about this beloved dear game, and I apologize to the video game Overlords that I've been unable to devote the necessary amount of time.  

And the mainline quest? At least the hook, the back story to your character?  I fell in love with Fallout 3 because the main quest was so personal.  Fallout New Vegas, while interesting, did not immerse me on such an intimate level (even Elder Scrolls doesn't do this so well, which is okay, because I can easily imagine this is difficult to accomplish for video games).

But honestly, the most drawing feature of this game is the 'tutorial' (It's not even a tutorial.  It's like the backstory/opening scene).  Fallout 4 is just as personal as Fallout 3.  I really wish your spouse wouldn't have to die.  I understand why and everything.  But since you even get to customize your spouse, I was instantly attached.  I listen to the "Hi Honey!" holotape as frequently if not more when I listened to a Note from Dad.

I love the pre-colonial feel of New England.  Patriotic like DC (not an obnoxious way unless the context calls for it), but also refreshing.  The ships remind me once again of Dishonored (And Assassin's Creed 3 & BF).  And the weather! It can change! Nothing is static.  It all changes.

But so far, what I am most in love with--other than creating your own settlements--is the backstory with your spouse and son.  I wish you had more time with your spouse.  Maybe I shouldn't get so attached to things.  After the Hearthfire add-on, I spent a lot of time with my children/homestead.  Anyway.

I haven't been to Diamond City yet.  I'm excited for it.  I love seeing my character actually talk and interact.  Makes it that much more personal.  Currently, I'm scavenging a SUPER DUPER MART in Lexington.  Also, feral ghouls are scary as fuck.

Over and out.

A Muse

Sep. 2nd, 2015 10:30 am
krm: (Damn Them)

I listen to the Skye Boat Song (Outlander's opening credits theme) and I look at pictures of the Scottish Highlands, and I can't help but feel nostalgic, and, ultimately depressed.

The Scottish highland setting is a powerful force alone. Couple that with my mother, and you have something that knocks the wind out of you, at least for me.

You see, up until my mom passed away, I would visit her weekly on Tuesdays--her off days. And together, we would catch up on our favorite shows. Game of Thrones, for instance. The latest one was Outlander, a Starz show based on a book series sent in 18th Century Scotland. And the show was powerful, breathtaking. Momma and I--we gushed. I bought her the books. She read them while I was preoccupied with school assignments. And on Tuesdays, she would fill me in on the differences between the show and books. She frequently expressed her excitement for January, when the rest of season one would be aired. In preparation, I bought her an early Christmas gift. A square foot of land and a ladyship title in Scotland. She was officially Lady Kimberly of Scotland. She loved it.

Only there was no January premiere. No Christmas presentation of noble titles. She left December 11th.

And since then, I find it difficult to watch the episodes, flip through the books. Skye Boat brings tears to my eyes.

The land of Kanetalm in Prince of the Vale is based off the Scottish Highlands (at least in geography) for a reason. Keep that in mind.

Prince had also been my favorite thing to write, thus far.
If her spirit flew...
Here is where it went.
krm: (Donna Noble)

I happened to chance upon Archer's Amazon page when I noticed a new review for it.  Four out of five stars.  Turns out, it was from one of the ladies that won a copy of the book from the Goodreads giveaway.  Her main criticism was her disinterest in Feraan, le love interest, and the... fickle relationship between him and Caelfel.  I can understand her perspective, and I certainly do appreciate her thoughts.  The part of her review that excites me so much is that she loves Caelfel, or rather, she had high praise for Caelfel as a protagonist, and she expressed excitement over reading the sequel.  I may send her an ARC copy of Prince or something, for free, because I feel as though she would love it. 

I am confident.

Meanwhile, classes start up once more, and I cringe at how much time I won't have for writing.  But when has that stopped me before?  Also, started on a new project.  Sneak peak of the cover on the website! Here's to hoping I will finish it.



Jun. 27th, 2015 10:15 am
krm: (Damn Them)
 My seemingly "liberal" opinions are not an open invitation to receive didactic lectures, particularly from persons who come off as condescending and proceed to act like I have no knowledge of any subject.  I am not stupid.  I am not uneducated.  I do not care to listen to an unwarranted speech about how wrong you believe I am.

There's a time and place for everything.  If I posted something political to my Facebook page, then yes, that's in the public.  It's available for others to comment, share their opinions, whatever.  But I post on Facebook isn't an invitation to be blasted off the Internet with cruel, spiteful remarks.

And if someone mentions the topic of abortion in a personal setting, then by all means, a discussion on the subject is welcome.  If someone directly asks me for my opinion, then I will gladly share.  If someone is speaking of a topic, of which I have an opinion about, then it is normal to expect anyone to voice their thoughts in a civil manner.  

It's okay to disagree with me; you might find I understand or even agree with what you have to say.  But it's not okay to lecture me for over 30 minutes about how wrong you believe I am.  And to continuously talk over him any time I try to say anything and to keep railing at me, without allowing any sort of opportunity for a rebuttal.  That is not how you discuss.  Your opinion is not The Correct One, because to me (and especially the way you've approached this) just makes me feel like you're full of shit.

Additionally, if you hold the opinion of "Abortion is murder, NO MATTER WHAT," then that sort of logic doesn't allow any room for your next sentiment, "Abortion has it's place in some instances."  Because approaching the subject of abortion with this mindset is a manner that sets you apart as superior with some sort of warped perspective that gives you the ability to determine who deserves an abortion and who doesn't.  That's none of your business--who gets an abortion and for what reason.  You are not above these pregnant women to decide what is best for them, and, ultimately, who is deserving of treatment.
krm: (Birdbrain)
(From a few days ago...) Excuse me while I step on my soap box here.

"Where suspicion fills the air and holds scholars in line for fear of their jobs, there can be no exercise of the free intellect. . . . A problem can no longer be pursued with impunity to its edges. Fear stalks the classroom. The teacher is no longer a stimulant to adventurous thinking; (s)he becomes instead a pipe line for safe and sound information. A deadening dogma takes the place of free inquiry. Instruction tends to become sterile; pursuit of knowledge is discouraged; discussion often leaves off where it should begin."
Justice William O. Douglas,
United States Supreme Court:
Adler v. Board of Education, 1951.

Censorship was a discussion in my Young Adult Literature class today, but I believe this line of thinking can be similarly applied to a lot of current issues swirling through *current*, current events and especially science.

Read more... )
krm: (Excited Elephant)

 I am in the midst of completing my second novel.  All the while, I am attempting various methods to market my first.  A lot of big decisions are involved in both of these aspects.

I created a "production team" group on Facebook to ask and relate various questions and ideas I have regarding my self-publishing progress. It has proved mildly successful, with steady decreases in participation.

I know my constant searches for opinions and advice can often be construed as annoying.  But there are certain individuals who remain patient with me throughout the process, a constant that are always willing to provide their input.

And I thank thee.

As a side note.  Tom Hiddleston is appearing in a new cinematic feature called CRIMSON PEAK, airing in October.  From the production images, I know I must see it.
krm: (Donna Noble)
Hunger Games: Mocking Jay pt. 1
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies
Avengers Age of Ultron

Age of Adaline
Dracula Untold
Guardians of the Galaxy
Jurassic World

and others.  List to be continued. Updated 6/17/15


Sep. 12th, 2014 11:37 pm
krm: (Smulder)
Sometimes, I have these I-don't-give-a-fuck moments in regards to other people and how they might possibly perceive me. This is one of those moments.

Hello, dear America. I have come to talk to you about SEX.
Read more... )
krm: (Damn Them)
 I am weary.  And I have nothing better to say other than that.  

My mom placed an old box on my bed, filled with various possessions of mine that I had forgotten about.  She told me to go through it and whatever was left was to be thrown away.

To my surprise I found quite a collection of old journals I had kept through middle school up until the first two years of high school.  I read through them and have come to a general conclusion.

While my perception of the world and self-awareness has changed (grown, hopefully), at my core, I remain the same.  I am miserable, and often so, and I mostly seek a light to the darkness. Coping mechanisms, masking techniques have developed.  While my outlook on life does not remain as innocently optimistic and hopeful, I do maintain a resolute faith in myself and my abilities.  Where once I would dismiss my sharp intellect with a naivety in a struggle to be accepted, I now embrace it with fierceness.  My passions have not much changed.  They still bring me joy.  I take comfort to know I am not fickle in such areas.  But I still harbor a pit, a black hole inside of me.  And as I grow in life, it grows in me.   There is no sating it.  There is temporarily ignoring it.

But I'm steering my personal goals toward a path that emphasizes what makes me happy, as opposed what can I do in this world.  There is only so much to do this world.  Be kind.  Be happy.
krm: (Oberyn)
 Once more, I've decided to make a new blog.  Start fresh.  And instead of the obligatory pilot post, I'm doing something near and dear to my heart.  Oberyn Martell.  Specifically "Pedro Pascal as Oberyn Martell."  This obsession has proven rather recent and has surprisingly surpassed the "Tom Hiddleston as Loki" benchmark.  We'll see how long this lasts.

1. Dat Accent.  
2. Those arms though
3. Mmm the way he moves around as the Red Viper
4. General tolerance/ACCEPTANCE of people, different or no
5. Sexuality is a THING
6. He is a bad poet
7. Pedro Pascal

Though the coherency of this list may be questionable, these are legitimate reasons.  This list remains on-going.  I plan to make a follow-up post once my "Red Viper" t-shirt comes in.

That is everything of value I have to say tonight.


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